What My Cat Probably Thinks Of Me

By Jared M

Ah. The stupid is coming. What an ugly creature. Eh. At least it does my bidding. It is a fine slave. If I speak, the gorilla-pig thing lumbers over to me.  “Hiyyyy ckitee. Blaaaarrrrgggg.” The thing’s disgusting snout quivers as it babbles nonsense. I begin to direct my commands into the strange hearing disks that adorn its lumpy head. It ignores, reaching its long, clawless paws down to stroke me. As it stomps off, I see the small punching bags it calls toes begin to wiggle. I leap forth, swatting at it. As it turns its head to gaze upon my beauty, its thick, overly long head-fur dangles. I declare that my food has run out because of its incompetence. It begins to emit a strange sound. “You Maek mee laff, keetee.” What does that even mean?! The stupid creature stumbles off, making the stupid sound as goes. Its lack of a tail makes it look all the stupider. As my momma says, the only reason those ridiculous abominations of nature were put on the earth was to feed us and cater to our needs. They are your slaves for life. Enjoy it. My momma was very smart. But if that thing tries to scratch under my chin one more time, its lifelong career will end sooner than it thinks…

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